Last week I had my first real big Texas sized panic attack. It was epic, like something out of the movies. At one point I was curled up in the fetal position in my bathtub. I don’t know when I decided that my bathtub was also my personal safety pod, but at some point it happened. It started with just a little fleeting doubt. Maybe Texas isn’t what I want, maybe I want to move to Pamlico county and sell ice cream at The Bean and live happily ever after on a boat. I haven’t blogged much about Pamlico county or Camp Seafarer, but those are the physical/geographic places where my heart is home. My spirit is most at rest when I am there so it was not a completely off the wall thought. In this time of transition and uncertainty, my selfish human heart started longing for the place that is the safest. I started to think about how I didn’t really know what I wanted. I thought to myself “I’m a gypsy, a wanderer, I don’t want to live in one place for very long at all”. Then I started to dwell on my wanderlust. I decided that what I really wanted was to move to Southern California and be a barista. I would serve coffee and smile at people all day. Because life is hard and people need to be smiled at. Sometimes I exaggerate. This is not one of those times. I honest to God decided that this is what I would do for the next few years. Start out in the land of sunshine and ocean, serving up coffee and joy (my smiles are really powerful) and move every so often as my spirit longed to other amazing cities where people liked coffee and needed joy. I still believe in the merit of serving coffee and spreading joy. I also still very much believe that people really need to be smiled at more often. I also, however, added a little rationality to the equation and stepped back from the cliff that is my blind idealism.
You see for just a hot second I started thinking with my practical human brain and considering my spirit. I stopped seeking out what God wants for me and listening to The Spirit. It took approximately 4 hours for me to unravel this exciting adventure that God has orchestrated over the last 6 months. Hours, for me to dismantle months of divinely inspired plans.
Once my therapist used a phrase that I have come to love very very much. She told me that some days I came into her office really crazy, like my hair was on fire and the world was falling apart. I love that for so many reasons. Mostly because it was really accurate, in figurative terms. We all have days like those, days when we’re running around like a chicken with our head cut off, or like our hair is on fire.
When I took my eyes off of Jesus, and His plan for me and His provision I went back to the place where my hair was on fire. Thank goodness for friends who love Jesus. I had a great talk with a friend who said a whole lot but also not very much. She mostly reminded me to look at Jesus. And as soon as I started to think about God and what He wants, and how I’m going to follow Him on this great big adventure, my hair started to cool off. And soon, in a matter of minute, my heart began to feel at peace. I felt safe again. There will always be places where my heart feels at home but as long as I keep my eyes on God I will carry His peace with me wherever it is that His crazy adventure takes me.