Friends, this week has been scary for me. I needed a job in a bad way. So last week I took a job at Pita Pit. I applied there because whenever I go in everyone seems like they’re having fun. I want to have fun. They offered me the job and I took it. I HAVE NEVER HAD SO MUCH ANXIETY IN MY LIFE. Before my first shift yesterday I laid in my bed in a denial similar to when I pretended I wasn’t about to move away and go to college. All over a simple new job. Today was my second shift. I almost had to make a pita for another staff member (I still haven’t had to make one, because God is good and He’s being patient with me). I felt like I almost was being married off to a stranger from a foreign land. I did spend an hour washing dishes and calming myself down from a near breakdown.
I bargained with God because I want to quit, and I think He doesn’t want that. I bargained with God over a job at the Pita Pit. If I believed that bargaining with God was an actual thing (I don’t) I would tell my afternoon self that she should save her bargaining chips for something that actually matters.
I want to clarify that everyone there is really great. I have no reason to crap myself every time someone says my name. And yet I do. And now, instead of banging out grad school applications I’m sitting at home trying to re-cooperate from spending excessive amounts of energy not curling up into a ball and crying. In all honesty, that impulse was real and strong, and I fought it, and that is a win. For some reason this job has plunged me into an acute awareness of the depths of my weakness and brokenness. I think God is doing something here, I just don’t know what yet. Tonight my prayer is that He renew my spirit after He does this work in me because I’m tired and weary but too determined to give up on my dream.
Also, if someone from Pita Pit somehow stumbles upon today’s outpouring of honesty and fear I hope that you will 1. Not fire me because I’m determined to overcome this anxiety and do a bang up job of making Pita’s and making people happy and 2. Read older blog posts. Theres much better stuff in here.