Garden by Needtobreathe

Hey friends. So I’ve listened to this song easily hundreds of times and it wasn’t until last week that I actually GOT IT. When I think about how many times I listened and enjoyed the sound but had no idea what was going on it really baffles me.

The cool thing is that now, it’s like I’ve discovered this whole new beautiful song that I’d never heard before last week. Every time I listen to it my soul hurts and beams with joy at the same time. It’s beautiful and tragic and encouraging. I have so many feelings I don’t even know what to do.

Courage

Mary Anne Radmacher said

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.”

Any of you who regularly receive emails from me know that I have a bible verse about courage as my signature. What many of you might not know is that this is not an attempt on my part to encourage the recipients of my emails. I’m far more selfish than that. This is a feeble attempt to remind myself, every time I write an email, to be courageous and rest in the power of my great God. And it’s a good thing it’s there because I still have significant fears multiple times a day.

As I work my way through three more graduate school applications I’m often overcome with fear. I fear that these admissions committees will see me as a low achieving student rather than an overcomer. I fear that my hopes and dreams will once again be denied. I fear that I will fail.

This Mary Anne Radmacher quote is a perfect way to describe the courage I’ve been striving for these past few weeks. This courage is not great or bold or loud. I am not taking on oppressors or slaying dragons or saving lives. I’m just choosing each day to try again.

PS – I know my God is great. But I don’t understand why my great God has not moved mountains to make my dreams come true. This sounds incredibly selfish and childish, I know. If you want to pray for me that’d be great. I know there are injustices and misfortunes in the world much greater than my not getting into graduate school but I still would like to ask you to pray on my behalf. Pray that God’s will would prevail in my life (as if anything could stop it, ha!). Pray that I would have wisdom in my search. And maybe pray that I would be slightly less selfish. Thanks friends.

My Dream for 2014

Friends,

I have resolved to dream big this year and believe in myself. My dream is that I will begin grad school in 2014. I’m in the process of applying to a handful of seminaries where I can get my Masters in Counseling. Sharing this dream with you is scary, because everyone who reads will know if I don’t make it. This will be my third go at grad school and I feel really confident that this is where God is calling me.  I want to be an overcomer. I love people, I love mentoring, building relationships, and giving guidance, and I want to be trained how to do that professionally by a place that values Jesus Christ the way I do. I’m equal parts excited and scared about this dream but I’ll keep you posted throughout the process and appreciate your prayers. What are you dreaming about this year?

A Song I’m Loving Right Now

As someone who has always pushed the boundaries and questioned the status quo (not to be a pain in the ass, but because I believe humanity can be better than we are) I love this video. I know it might offend some of you and it’s not meant to. However, the song is catchy and the ultimate message : stay true to yourself (and in many of our cases Jesus) is a welcome reminder. And while she certainly oversimplifies, I think Kasey Musgraves does a good job of pointing out our natural and hypocritical tendency to judge others unfairly.

New Years Eve

blog pic nye

Three nights ago was New Years Eve, and I must say it was quite magical. I had loads of fun with my parents and grandfather eating a delicious meal and reminiscing about the past twelve months. Right around midnight my father and I went to set off fireworks on the beach.

New Years has not always been a great time for me. I think it’s a challenging hurdle for anyone in the throes of depression or even just a rut. Everyone is celebrating in full force, exuding joy and excitement. There’s that quintessential “midnight kiss” (who came up with this? I’d like to punch them in the face); plus there’s almost always alcohol involved. And for an introvert in a negative emotional space with no one “special” to ring in the new year with this can add up to a hot mess. Because I know that I am particularly vulnerable to this New Years Eve blues “phenomenon,” around new years for the past two years I’ve spent time mulling over a blog post I really love. I find it to be a raw and honest reflection on NYE, and as a result I’ve found it to be quite healing for me.

And as I stood in the sand with my father, the fuses burning like sparklers against the dark backdrop of sand and ocean I felt alive. I felt more vibrant and full of potential than I have in quite a while. And I felt thankful. Because there was a day when I didn’t think I’d ever feel alive again. And there were days that my story could have easily ended.

I didn’t have anyone to kiss. I didn’t have friends to cheer with. I couldn’t feel my toes or fingers, but I felt alive and for that I was grateful.

I was thankful that there was air in my lungs. Because there are broken things that I was made to fix. My life is more than just my own. And I’m so glad I chose to fight.

Happy New Years friends. It would be great if the coming months would hold only good things for us all. But I know that we will stumble. Hard times will come. So my hope is that when they do, we will choose hope, and we will choose to fight. Welcome to midnight.