I realize it may seem silly to post a picture of words on a blog, with more words as a caption/explanation but beat with me for a second. I’m reading this awesome book (I think I’ve mentioned it before) and tonight’s chapter is discussing sitting in your emotions.
One of the reasons I started writing is because I sometimes feel like I’m a giant contradiction and I want a place where I can be conflicting things and it can be okay. A place I can freely examine contradicting ideas and break them down. Psych meds and my surrender to Jesus are one of those sets of conflicting beliefs. So here we go.
There’s definitely a stigma attached to psych meds (anything intentionally mind altering, anti depressants, anxiety meds, etc). But when you put this in the context of the church it gets even more complicated. Some people believe that you just need to trust Jesus and take all your problems to Him. I think that you should by all means take all of your problems to Jesus. But sometimes your brain chemistry is off (I acknowledge I am over-simplifying this). And I believe that Jesus can help with that…….which is why God made Psychiatrists and medicines.
Sometimes that’s hard to explain to people, but I really love what Kristin Ritzau said above. I’ve typed it below in case you can’t read the picture.
“There was also a time when I kept having debilitating panic attacks and I had to go on anti-anxiety medicine to help for a few months, but the pill was never the answer. It was an aid so I could face what was really going on and then wean myself off.”
I love this because it’s a reminder that the medication is not the answer or the solution, Jesus is. But it also gives grace for those who need medication in order to truly be their healthiest self and seek Jesus.
So this song came on the radio tonight and it was just what I needed. I skipped community group because I felt like if I didn’t get time to myself I would literally scream. The image of me screaming in the middle of a calm, peaceful, and caring group of my friends was enough to terrify me. Also, I felt convicted that it was okay to take alone time tonight. So I came home and looked for the music video. Turns out the only official video (i.e. video with decent quality audio) was part of a campaign called “Save Saeed”. Long story short Saeed Abedini is an American citizen who was born and raised in Iran. He is a pastor and in June 2012 he was taken prisoner by the Iranian government. He is currently in Evin prison in Iran. I’d heard a lot about this story a while back and quite frankly got tired of it (I know, that’s a terrible thing to admit but this here blog is a place for honesty). Tonight however, I was intrigued. So, like a true millenial, I turned to YouTube for a slightly more personal (and easier) way to get more information. I ended up watching Saeed’s wife give her testimony and it was really awesome. In fact, it was exactly the message I needed to hear tonight. God is good. He delivers. I’m still broke, and scared but I’m also encouraged and energized. I’m gonna finish up the night by trying to organize my life, and keep whispering “Jesus”.
I don’t have a lot to say tonight. I’m tired, weary and worried about tomorrow. Tomorrow is nothing special, I’m just worried about making it through one more day. I’m scared God won’t show up. I’m scared He’s forgotten about me or He’s decided I’m not doing enough to earn His provision. I feel confused about the truths and the lies I’ve been hearing.
I need grace. I need to give myself grace, I need to give others grace and I need to receive grace from others. I love you and pray that you and I Borge would be able to rest in the truth that we are covered entirely and completely, by His grace.
Why He’s the best:
1. He shows me grace (ALL the time)
2. He is one of the most principled people I know
Two quick awesome stories about my pops from tonight (mom– if you’re reading this, don’t worry your post is coming soon!)
Tonight I had dinner with my dad and it was amazing. We don’t get to have one on one dinners very often so it was special. First I asked him about the election tomorrow because I didn’t know much about either candidate. What ensued was beautiful. Politics is a difficult subject for most people to discuss. And my father and I disagree on many things. He’s a republican, I’m a democrat. He revealed that he’d be voting primarily for democratic candidates and explained why. He’s a republican voting for democrats! What the what?!?! In a time when our culture is so polarized politically this brings me great joy. Not because I care who my dad votes for. But because every day I see people spouting off political mumbo jumbo and “towing the party line” if you will. And here’s my dad. He knows what he believes in and while he tends to identify with one political party he doesn’t really give a damn about what party a politician comes from. He looks at the issues that are important to him. And he examines the track record of the candidates, and chooses accordingly. Because he believes in certain causes and most importantly he believes in people. The fact that he’s voting on principle is merely an indicator of the fact that he lives his life this way. He is one of the best men I’ve known. He’s gentle, respectful, and loyal. But he lives according to his values, he sticks to his guns and he doesn’t get caught up in so much of the crap that slows us all down these days.
After this I asked him why he had mentioned that we needed to talk about car insurance. He told me that our car insurance provider had given him notice that they would not be able to cover our family anymore. I wanted to know why. He explained that as a family we’d had a lot of incidents in the past 3 years and as a result, they didn’t want to insure us. What he didn’t say was “well, you got in an accident and received 3 tickets in the last 3 years and now they won’t have us” which it turns out is the truth. I started to freak out because quite frankly I don’t have any money in the budget for my own car insurance. He assured me that while I need to get a plan of my own so that the rest of my family can remain insured on the current plan, he intended to cover the cost until I finished graduate school. I’m the reason our family was getting kicked off of insurance. But he intentionally explained the situation in such a way that I would not feel shame. And his concern was that I not be laden with another financial burden at this point in my life. Ladies and gentlemen that, is what grace in action looks like.