I’ve recently realized that I’m becoming more self-aware and I’m learning that self-awareness is good. It’s really cool to know things about yourself! This might seem silly to some of you. But as someone who group up as a submissive person in a house hold with strong dominant personalities, I didn’t know a whole lot about myself until recently. I didn’t know anything about myself until I struck out on my own. And that was so challenging that for a while I didn’t learn a whole lot about myself, I was busy going through the motions and doing everything that someone in my situation was “supposed” to do. (i.e. go to college, join a sorority, make friends, be happy, graduate college, etc.) It’s only been the last four or so years that I’ve had the guts to follow my heart and go after what I want. This has taught me that sometimes learning about yourself is a process of trial and error. Below are some things I have recently learned about myself. I’m recording them here in hopes that I will remember them and that you can hold me accountable.
1. I feel more confident when my nails are nicely manicured. Why would my sense of self-worth be tied to the color on my fingernails you ask? Beats me. I’m not that self-aware. I think, because I perceive painted nails to be superfluous and a bit of a luxury (they’re not exactly utilitarian), it makes me feel like I really have my life together if I’ve planned out and taken the time to make my nails look nice. And this feeling that I have my life together makes me feel good about myself.
2. Online dating is not for me. I’ve had a hard time with this one. Sometimes I feel like I’m not meeting any cool, single, christian guys. So then I join Christian Mingle, or go on OkCupid. I start to get lots of messages from admirers. Some of them think I’m in need of “severe discipline” (creeper) and others boldly declare that I am beautiful and they are the man of my dreams (“hopefully I’m not coming on too strong”). I feel admired and attractive for approximately 10 seconds, and then I realize it’s weird. It just feels so unnatural. I almost got coffee with this one guy I’d been emailing for a while but I totally wigged out. I’ve actually done this a few times, create dating profile, e-mail for a few weeks, decide it’s weird, deactivate profile. Don’t get me wrong, I think doing things that push you out of your comfort zone is really healthy and necessary for growth. I also think that sometimes we should trust our intuition. In this case, I believe my irrational fear of actually meeting this man in real life, and my on again off again relationship with online dating in general, is God’s way of telling me this is not His plan for me. And so……I’ll go back to “waiting on His timing” whatever the heck that means.
3. I feel most confident when wearing make up, and THAT’S OKAY. This girl is not in the best shape of her life. I’m not sleeping well and most days I don’t drink enough water. So I don’t wake up with glowing skin like the girls in all those stupid Neutrogena commercials (don’t they have real life problems?!). This is why God invented make up and sent us Bobbi Brown. I will no longer feel guilty for wanting to wear make up.
4. Music makes me feel alive. Anyone who’s known me for any period of time knows that I like music. I like to listen to it, I like to sing to it, I like to experience it in all of it’s many forms. I’ve recently realized that I feel most alive when I’m experiencing music. Like Taylor Swift in her “You Belong With Me” video, my true self is 16 years old dancing around her room in her pajamas singing into a hairbrush. 13 year old me even had those dorky glasses. When I allow myself to give into that desire and be my truest self, I’m happy and feel alive.
That’s it for now folks. I’ll keep you apprised of my new self-discoveries as they present themselves, but I feel confident that I have enough on this list to keep me busy for a little while. And sometimes self-discovery can be scary, so we’re just gonna take it one step at a time.